H.

H. is the first Tool song on the wedding album. I’ve heard that H. stands for the Half empty or Half full saying, and I think that fits pretty well.

The song is on the wedding album so I think of Christina when I hear it. We met when I contacted her via AOL Instant Messenger in college. I did a search of girls at NC State and she was one of two to pop up. We talked via IM probably every day for about 3 or 4 months. I really liked her and we eventually decided to meet. Of course she is beautiful and I was glad we had developed something online or I would never have thought I would have a chance with her. We did a couple of NC State Scholars events together, but didn’t really go on a date for about a year. We were both really inexperienced with this kind of thing.

Anyway, somewhere along the way I asked her on a real date. And she said no. I had never asked girls out in HS. I had some rationalization at the time on why I didn’t do it, but I know it was a combination of fear and really high standards. I didn’t want to give power to a girl. It was better for me just to wait for them to fall all over me or assume they would fall in love with me if I were to ask them out. I’m getting kind of off the point and that is a complex topic. But basically she said no, and it crushed me.

We still talked online and generally liked each other. And I would bring up more courage again and ask her out again. And she would say no. But then she said yes one time. We would go out and things would go well. Then I’d ask her out again and she would say no. I’d ask two more times and get no. And then give up on her as someone to date. Then she would out of the blue call me up and ask me to go do something with her. I guess it wasn’t that confusing since during this time we would still talk online a lot and were friends. But after we would do something together, I would get my hopes up and ask her out and she would say no.

While this stage of our relationship is going on, I’m getting to know her better and better. I really liked her. I would never have continued talking to someone after this much rejection if I didn’t like her. Christina is basically all the good parts of me and none of the bad.

Hopefully that sets up the first stanzas of H. and how it relates to the beginning of our relationship.

What's coming through is alive.
What's holding up is a mirror.
But what's singing songs is a snake
Looking to turn this piss to wine.

They're both totally void of hate,
But killing me just the same.

The snake behind me hisses
What my damage could have been.
My blood before me begs me
Open up my heart again.

And I feel this coming over like a storm again.
Considerately.

The summer after my Freshman year in college I went out with Brandi. Brandi was a cool girl to hang out with, but we didn’t connect completely. I guess the main thing I took from that relationship was more confidence with girls. The whole time I was going out with her, I was still thinking about Christina. It pissed me off. At that point, I’m thinking that I’m permanently damaged by Christina. Any girl that I would date from there on would be compared to her and I never really dated Christina. I broke up with Brandi at the end of the summer to try to date Christina when I got back to school.

Venomous voice, tempts me,
Drains me, bleeds me,
Leaves me cracked and empty.
Drags me down like some sweet gravity.

The snake behind me hisses
What my damage could have been.
My blood before me begs me
Open up my heart again.

And I feel this coming over like a storm again.

I am too connected to you to
Slip away, to fade away.
Days away I still feel you
Touching me, changing me,
And considerately killing me.

I got back to school and pursued her, but it was much of the same. Eventually we got together and were both drinking. This led to a night of making out. It wasn’t some crazy explosion of love and emotion. Everything just felt right and peaceful. She was the girl for me.

Without the skin,
Beneath the storm,
Under these tears
The walls came down.

And the snake is drowned and
As I look in his eyes,
My fear begins to fade
Recalling all of those times.

I could have cried then.
I should have cried then.

And as the walls come down and
As I look in your eyes
My fear begins to fade
Recalling all of the times
I have died
and will die.
It's all right.
I don't mind.

So I asked her out again and she turned me down again. This one hurt worse than the first time. And basically from here the same pattern of us hanging out and me getting turned down continued with some mixed in making out sessions. During this time, I never asked her why she kept saying no. I was probably scared to and now that I know the answer I’m glad I didn’t. Anyway by the end of our Sophomore year I had again given up hope of ever having a real relationship with her and convinced myself that she would only be a friend. She transferred to Cornell which helped end the torture. Of course it didn’t end there…

I am too connected to you to
Slip away, to fade away.
Days away I still feel you
Touching me, changing me,

And considerately killing me.