Pushit

I never thought much of Pushit from Aenima. It was a good rocking song like all Tool songs, but I didn’t get much out of the lyrics.

I remember seeing it performed the first time I ever saw Tool. They changed the song by making it much slower. I remember being mildly upset that they changed a perfectly good song. A couple of years later the slowed down version was released on their live album Salival. I started to really enjoy this song and it fit right in line with my relationship with Anna. And the song is now one of my top 5 favorite Tool songs, but just the slower Live version.

This song is 13 minutes and before they start playing Maynard sets up the song:

"We’ve been trying something a little different this tour. We’ve been looking at one of our songs from a different angle, under a different light, so we can hopefully kind of see it almost for the first time. We’d like try that for you tonight, is that okay?

We’re gonna need your help. We’re gonna need your help and your permission, so we need you to find a comfortable space, that's not only comfortable, but vulnerable.

I want you to shut your eyes and go there, and we’ll meet you on the other side."

Saw that gap again today,
While you were begging me to stay.
Take care not to make me enter.
If I do we both may disappear.
If I do we both may disappear.

Saw that gap again today,
While you were begging me to stay,
Managed to push myself away,
You as well my dear,
And you as well.
Pushed you away my dear.
Pushed you away.
Pushed you away.
Pushed you away my dear.

So I think of this in terms of me singing the song. Anna and I had gone out for about 2 years and I was finishing college, so I was strongly considering marrying her. The “gap” is the problem with Anna and I’s relationship. We were wrong for each other for many reasons. She had me convinced she was deeply in love with me and if I ended it, it would destroy her. That would be the “begging me to stay.” The pushing away would be me being brutally honest and trying to change her, but never leaving her. I guess I was trying to make her leave me to free myself from any guilt. Her changing wasn’t going to fix things. The gap was always going to be there and it was bad for both of us. Had we gotten married, we would have ruined each other.

I will choke until I swallow,
Choke this infant here before me.
What are you but my reflection?
Who am I to judge or strike you down?
Who am I to judge or strike you down?

I think the biggest problem with our relationship was that Anna didn’t seem to have a mind of her own. Too often she would speak and I felt like she was trying her best to say what I wanted to hear. I think she did this pretty well most of the time and that would be why I thought she was so similar to me. I also have personal issues with thinking for myself, since I’m easily influenced by arguments I read, so who am I to judge?

But you're pushing,
And I'm shoving you,
And you're pushing me,
And I'm shoving you.

When I would catch her in a lie and basically not thinking for herself, I would see that gap. I’d call her out and we would have some kind of fight and she would acknowledge a need to change, but it would happen always happen again. It was the pushing and shoving of our relationship.

Rest your trigger on my finger.
Bang my head upon the fault line.
Better take care not to make me enter.
If I do we both may disappear.
If I do we both may disappear.

I love the line, “Rest your trigger on my finger” (sidenote: Maynard stole it from a Beatles song where they say, “rest your finger on my trigger”). I’ve got this feeling like I will destroy her by ending it. And she has basically given me this power over her. The fault line is referring to the gap and I’m in this constant struggle on whether or not I can make it work. Sex also comes into play with these lines (trigger – clitoris, fault line – vagina). Sex was definitely a giant factor in our relationship. Anna was the only girl I had ever been with. And steady sex was not something easy to give up. It was another reason to rationalize staying with her.

But you're pushing,
And I'm shoving you,
and I'm pushing me,
And I'm shoving you.

Still love me,
You still love me,
You still love me,
You still love me,
I'm pushing and we're shoving,
And you're pushing and I'm shoving,
And you still love me.
You still love me.
You still love me.
You still love me.
You're pushing and we're shoving,
And I'm pushing and your shoving me.

And I'm slipping back into,
The gap again.
I feel alive when you touch me.
I feel alive when you hold me,
Down.

The song really starts picking up the pace and emotion through these lyrics. The whole thing builds up in pitch to the “I feel alive when you hold me” and then drops to a heavy bassy “Down" and back to the dark side of this relationship. It is really this sort of build to an orgasm, release and back to reality.

I am somewhere I don’t wanna be.
Put me somewhere I don’t wanna be.
Push me somewhere I don’t wanna be.
Seeing someplace I don't wanna see,
Never wanna see that place again.

The band takes the song after “Down” and go into this low soft jam. They use the help of Aloke Dutta on the tabla. It sets the mood for these introspective lyrics. It is here that I finally see where things are going and realize I must end it.

Saw the gap again today,
While you were begging me to stay,
Managed to push myself away,
And you as well my dear.

If when I say I might fade like a sigh if I stay,
You minimize my movement anyway,
I must persuade you another way.

But there is still the problem of how to end it. Conveniently I received my best job offer from a company in Boise, ID. It wasn’t the reason I chose to move to Boise, but it was definitely a motivating factor. When I tried to use this as a reason to break up, it still wasn’t good enough. She was down with finishing up school and moving to Boise. These lyrics fit in an eerie way.

Pushing and
Shoving.
Pushing and
Shoving.
Pushing me.

There's no love in fear.

The song has started to build in force again. It builds to this climactic “there’s no love in fear”. And now we get to the crux of the issue. All my reasons for staying with her and rationalizing away the problems with our relationship came from me being scared of never finding anyone else. It sounds strange to be 22 and fearful that I would be alone for the rest of my life if I didn’t marry Anna, but that was the truth. Around this same time, my parents split up. I think back to what Dad was thinking when he married Mom when he was 21. I think he had the same fear and I think it is a reason he got married. Not only that, but I think my life would have gone down an identical path had I stayed with Anna. I feel fortunate I didn’t make that mistake.

Staring down the hole again,
Hands upon my back again,
Survival is my only friend,
Terrified of what may come.

Remember I will always love you,
As I claw your fucking throat away.
It will end no other way.
It will end no other way...

And the song finishes with the triumphant ending of the relationship. Man, what an incredible song.