Picture Competition

Caroline. I think you're going to have me beat. This is the best I can do within 1 mile from my home.

This is the Boise river and the NY Canal. The Oregon Trail runs along the cliff edge to the left. After days of traveling through the high desert, pioneers would come to this cliff edge to see the first source of water and trees (les bois = boise) in 300 miles. The trick is getting your covered wagon down the cliff.

Forza Motorsports 2

Finally a racing game where I can drive Road Atlanta. I've watched about 6 races there. There was never a good way to see the back straight, so it was always kind of a mystery to me. Not anymore. Check me out strolling down the back straight. And that final turn before the finish line is really tough. I understand better why Dad's first attempt at racing there ended with him wrecking on that corner.

Now I just need a golfing game where I can play Augusta.

Dogs on the Palouse

After a really bad day of college football, it was nice to step into Christina's backyard with the myups.

Anybody out there?

First blog entry from my new laptop. Only took me 4 months to buy it.

Settlers of Catan

The XBOX 360 arcade has finally released Settlers of Catan. I had heard this was in the works for a long time. The game works really well on 360 and was only $6. I have beaten the hardest AI opponents, so the next task is going after real people.

I really hope XBOX continues releasing cool board game titles.

Cinco de Bobo

Today is Hildi Bobo Bildy's 5th birthday! She started her birthday by dressing up like a Peruvian hobbit. It is in an effort to convince her parents that a hike up Lucky Peak is due.

Tool Concert Review

Back from the Tool shows in Vegas. I think I have now seen 10 Tool concerts. I rank the first show as the worst Tool show I've seen, but that still makes it better than about 95% of all other concerts I've ever been to. The second night I would rank about number 4 all time.

There were a couple of sound problems the first night and Maynard was kind of stiff. The second night, all the sound problems were fixed and Maynard was really into it.

The second night we were also on the floor center. I'd say we were about 25 feet from the band. I was really able to appreciate the musicians from that close.

I was a disappointed that the band played almost the same playlist on both nights. And then I always appreciated how Tool never plays an encore. I think the encore is such a cliche and is frankly an egotistical thing for a band to do. You walk off stage and listen to the crowd chant for you to come back and play again? Then when the chanting starts to die off, you come back for a couple more songs. That's pretty weak. Tool has never done this, but now they do something almost worse. Halfway through their show, they stop playing and just sit down on the stage together and watch the fans cheer for them. This is new to the last 3 shows I've seen. I think they understandably need a break from rocking, but it seems strange the way their doing it. In the past, they used to let one guy just go on some really long solo while the other guys would walk off stage. That was much better.

So anyway, the playlist. It was a good choice of songs with the most powerful being "Wings for Marie" and "10,000 days" from 10,000 days. I never made it to Tool's newest album in my studying of the lyrics over the last month. But if I had, I probably would only have talked about these two songs. They are basically one song that was separated into two sort of like Parabol and Parabola on the Lateralus album. The whole song is about Maynard's mother, Judith, who died a couple of months before the album came out. Judith was a devout catholic who despite having a stroke that left half her body paralyzed some 10,000 days previous to her death, never lost faith and apparently lived a righteous life. This song is really powerful with Maynard telling her to demand her wings from God when she gets to heaven. There is some thunder sound effects during the song that fit really well.

Overall some good shows and I feel like I got my money's worth. Now I just hope they come back through Boise before we go to Holland.

Lateralus

First concert is tonight. I didn't make it to the latest album. It is probably fitting since there is not much I connect to lyric wise on the new album. And it is better that I finish with Lateralus, which may be the best song.

This song is also about letting go and stop over analyzing everything. It is really this inspirational and uplifting sound. It sums up the whole album and my life now in Boise with Christina. I really hope they play it. I need it, you know "to breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive"

Black then white are all I see in my infancy.
red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me.
lets me see.
As below, so above and beyond, I imagine
drawn beyond the lines of reason.
Push the envelope. Watch it bend.

Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must
Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines.

Black then white are all I see in my infancy.
red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me.
lets me see there is so much more
and beckons me to look through to these infinite possibilities.
As below, so above and beyond, I imagine
drawn outside the lines of reason.
Push the envelope. Watch it bend.

Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition leaving all these opportunities behind.

Feed my will to feel this moment urging me to cross the line.
Reaching out to embrace the random.
Reaching out to embrace whatever may come.

I embrace my desire to
feel the rhythm, to feel connected
enough to step aside and weep like a widow
to feel inspired, to fathom the power,
to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain,
to swing on the spiral
of our divinity and still be a human.

With my feet upon the ground I lose myself
between the sounds and open wide to suck it in,
I feel it move across my skin.
I'm reaching up and reaching out,
I'm reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me.
And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been.
We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been.

Spiral out. Keep going, going...

Parabol & Parabola

Without knowing the lyrics, you would never know that this is the greatest love song ever written. This song is hard rocking, but in an uplifting way, not in the dark way many other tool songs rock. It is a celebration of life and love. It is me and Christina’s song. I really like the way it is written without having a “he” or “she” in it, so both of us can feel it the same.

It is one of the few Tool songs that still affects me emotionally. Most of the other ones I have to connect to someone I used to be. Listening to it now makes me miss Christina and at the same time so happy that I have her. I can’t wait to rock out with her at these shows. Just two days Bebe!

So familiar and overwhelmingly warm
This one, this form I hold now.
Embracing you, this reality here,
This one, this form I hold now, so
Wide eyed and hopeful.
Wide eyed and hopefully wild.

We barely remember what came before this precious moment,
Choosing to be here right now. Hold on, stay inside...
This body holding me, reminding me that I am not alone in
This body makes me feel eternal. All this pain is an illusion.

We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment,
We are Choosing to be here right now. Hold on, stay inside...
This holy reality, this holy experience. Choosing to be here in...

This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal all this pain is an illusion.

Alive

This holy reality, in this holy experience. Choosing to be here in...
This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal all this pain is an illusion...

Swirling round with this familiar parable.
Spinning, weaving round each new experience.
Recognize this as a holy gift and celebrate this
chance to be alive and breathing
chance to be alive and breathing.

This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality.
Embrace this moment. Remember. we are eternal.
all this pain is an illusion.

The Grudge

Now we move on to the next album, Lateralus. This album is much different lyrically than the other albums. It is more introspective and uplifting. It fits really well with me moving to Boise, finding Christina and starting my life.

The Grudge is the first song and is basically about shaking off the shackles that have prevented happiness. All the ideals had made life too intense. This song is about letting go.

I think it also signals that this is a different kind of Tool album. But fear not, they still rock. This is my favorite album.

Wear the grudge like a crown
Of negativity
Calculate what you will
Will not tolerate
Desperate to control
All and everything
Unable to forgive
Your scarlet letterman

Clutch it like a cornerstone
Otherwise it all comes down
Justify denials and
Grip 'em to the lonesome end

Clutch it like a cornerstone
Otherwise it all comes down
Terrified of being wrong
Ultimatum prison cell

Saturn ascends
Choose one or ten
Hang on or be
Humbled again
Humbled again

Clutch it like a cornerstone
Otherwise it all comes down
Justify denials and
Grip 'em to the lonesome end

Saturn ascends
Comes 'round again
Saturn ascends
The one, the ten
Ignorant to
The damage done

Wear the grudge like a crown
Of negativity
Calculate what you will
Will not tolerate
Desperate to control
All and everything
Unable to forgive
Your scarlet letterman

Wear the grudge like a crown
Desperate to control
Unable to forgive
And sinking deeper

Defining
Confining
And sinking deeper

Controlling
Defining
And we're sinking deeper

Saturn comes back around
To show you everything
Lets you choose what you will
Will not see and then
Drags you down like a stone
Or lifts you up again
Spits you out like a child
Light and innocent

Saturn comes back around
Lifts you up like a child
Or drags you down like a stone
To consume you 'til you
Choose to
Let this go
Choose to
Let this go

Give away the stone
Let the ocean take and transmutate
This cold and fated anchor
Give away the stone
Let the waters kiss and transmutate
These leaden grudges into gold
(gold... gold... gold... gold... gold...
gold... gold... gold... gold...)

Let go Let go Let go Let go Let go Let go Let go Let go

Pushit

I never thought much of Pushit from Aenima. It was a good rocking song like all Tool songs, but I didn’t get much out of the lyrics.

I remember seeing it performed the first time I ever saw Tool. They changed the song by making it much slower. I remember being mildly upset that they changed a perfectly good song. A couple of years later the slowed down version was released on their live album Salival. I started to really enjoy this song and it fit right in line with my relationship with Anna. And the song is now one of my top 5 favorite Tool songs, but just the slower Live version.

This song is 13 minutes and before they start playing Maynard sets up the song:

"We’ve been trying something a little different this tour. We’ve been looking at one of our songs from a different angle, under a different light, so we can hopefully kind of see it almost for the first time. We’d like try that for you tonight, is that okay?

We’re gonna need your help. We’re gonna need your help and your permission, so we need you to find a comfortable space, that's not only comfortable, but vulnerable.

I want you to shut your eyes and go there, and we’ll meet you on the other side."

Saw that gap again today,
While you were begging me to stay.
Take care not to make me enter.
If I do we both may disappear.
If I do we both may disappear.

Saw that gap again today,
While you were begging me to stay,
Managed to push myself away,
You as well my dear,
And you as well.
Pushed you away my dear.
Pushed you away.
Pushed you away.
Pushed you away my dear.

So I think of this in terms of me singing the song. Anna and I had gone out for about 2 years and I was finishing college, so I was strongly considering marrying her. The “gap” is the problem with Anna and I’s relationship. We were wrong for each other for many reasons. She had me convinced she was deeply in love with me and if I ended it, it would destroy her. That would be the “begging me to stay.” The pushing away would be me being brutally honest and trying to change her, but never leaving her. I guess I was trying to make her leave me to free myself from any guilt. Her changing wasn’t going to fix things. The gap was always going to be there and it was bad for both of us. Had we gotten married, we would have ruined each other.

I will choke until I swallow,
Choke this infant here before me.
What are you but my reflection?
Who am I to judge or strike you down?
Who am I to judge or strike you down?

I think the biggest problem with our relationship was that Anna didn’t seem to have a mind of her own. Too often she would speak and I felt like she was trying her best to say what I wanted to hear. I think she did this pretty well most of the time and that would be why I thought she was so similar to me. I also have personal issues with thinking for myself, since I’m easily influenced by arguments I read, so who am I to judge?

But you're pushing,
And I'm shoving you,
And you're pushing me,
And I'm shoving you.

When I would catch her in a lie and basically not thinking for herself, I would see that gap. I’d call her out and we would have some kind of fight and she would acknowledge a need to change, but it would happen always happen again. It was the pushing and shoving of our relationship.

Rest your trigger on my finger.
Bang my head upon the fault line.
Better take care not to make me enter.
If I do we both may disappear.
If I do we both may disappear.

I love the line, “Rest your trigger on my finger” (sidenote: Maynard stole it from a Beatles song where they say, “rest your finger on my trigger”). I’ve got this feeling like I will destroy her by ending it. And she has basically given me this power over her. The fault line is referring to the gap and I’m in this constant struggle on whether or not I can make it work. Sex also comes into play with these lines (trigger – clitoris, fault line – vagina). Sex was definitely a giant factor in our relationship. Anna was the only girl I had ever been with. And steady sex was not something easy to give up. It was another reason to rationalize staying with her.

But you're pushing,
And I'm shoving you,
and I'm pushing me,
And I'm shoving you.

Still love me,
You still love me,
You still love me,
You still love me,
I'm pushing and we're shoving,
And you're pushing and I'm shoving,
And you still love me.
You still love me.
You still love me.
You still love me.
You're pushing and we're shoving,
And I'm pushing and your shoving me.

And I'm slipping back into,
The gap again.
I feel alive when you touch me.
I feel alive when you hold me,
Down.

The song really starts picking up the pace and emotion through these lyrics. The whole thing builds up in pitch to the “I feel alive when you hold me” and then drops to a heavy bassy “Down" and back to the dark side of this relationship. It is really this sort of build to an orgasm, release and back to reality.

I am somewhere I don’t wanna be.
Put me somewhere I don’t wanna be.
Push me somewhere I don’t wanna be.
Seeing someplace I don't wanna see,
Never wanna see that place again.

The band takes the song after “Down” and go into this low soft jam. They use the help of Aloke Dutta on the tabla. It sets the mood for these introspective lyrics. It is here that I finally see where things are going and realize I must end it.

Saw the gap again today,
While you were begging me to stay,
Managed to push myself away,
And you as well my dear.

If when I say I might fade like a sigh if I stay,
You minimize my movement anyway,
I must persuade you another way.

But there is still the problem of how to end it. Conveniently I received my best job offer from a company in Boise, ID. It wasn’t the reason I chose to move to Boise, but it was definitely a motivating factor. When I tried to use this as a reason to break up, it still wasn’t good enough. She was down with finishing up school and moving to Boise. These lyrics fit in an eerie way.

Pushing and
Shoving.
Pushing and
Shoving.
Pushing me.

There's no love in fear.

The song has started to build in force again. It builds to this climactic “there’s no love in fear”. And now we get to the crux of the issue. All my reasons for staying with her and rationalizing away the problems with our relationship came from me being scared of never finding anyone else. It sounds strange to be 22 and fearful that I would be alone for the rest of my life if I didn’t marry Anna, but that was the truth. Around this same time, my parents split up. I think back to what Dad was thinking when he married Mom when he was 21. I think he had the same fear and I think it is a reason he got married. Not only that, but I think my life would have gone down an identical path had I stayed with Anna. I feel fortunate I didn’t make that mistake.

Staring down the hole again,
Hands upon my back again,
Survival is my only friend,
Terrified of what may come.

Remember I will always love you,
As I claw your fucking throat away.
It will end no other way.
It will end no other way...

And the song finishes with the triumphant ending of the relationship. Man, what an incredible song.

Aenima

Aenima probably received the most airplay from the Aenima album. It is also the inspiration for the album cover, which is California falling into the Ocean. Maynard got the theme for California falling into the Ocean from Bill Hicks. And that is how I found the greatness of Bill Hicks.

This song has a different formula. Most songs build to some crescendo occurring toward the end of the song. This song starts with the peak and slows from there. Danny does some crazy stuff on the drums. Really good anger to this song and one of the reasons I don't particularly want to visit L.A. It is also where the band originated.

Some say the end is near.
Some say we'll see armageddon soon.
I certainly hope we will.
I sure could use a vacation from this

Bullshit three ring circus sideshow of
Freaks

Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call LA
The only way to fix it is to flush it all away.
Any fucking time. Any fucking day.
Learn to swim, I'll see you down in Arizona bay.

Fret for your figure and
Fret for your latte and
Fret for your hairpiece and
Fret for your lawsuit and
Fret for your prozac and
Fret for your pilot and
Fret for your contract and
Fret for your car.

It's a
Bullshit three ring circus sideshow of
Freaks

Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call LA
The only way to fix it is to flush it all away.
Any fucking time. Any fucking day.
Learn to swim, I'll see you down in Arizona bay.

Some say a comet will fall from the sky.
Followed by meteor showers and tidal waves.
Followed by faultlines that cannot sit still.
Followed by millions of dumbfounded dipshits.

Some say the end is near.
Some say we'll see armageddon soon.
I certainly hope we will cuz
I sure could use a vacation from this

Silly shit, stupid shit...

One great big festering neon distraction,
I've a suggestion to keep you all occupied.

Learn to swim.

Mom's gonna fix it all soon.
Mom's comin' round to put it back the way it ought to be.

Learn to swim.

Fuck L Ron Hubbard and
Fuck all his clones.
Fuck all those gun-toting
Hip gangster wannabes.

Learn to swim.

Fuck retro anything.
Fuck your tattoos.
Fuck all you junkies and
Fuck your short memory.

Learn to swim.

Fuck smiley glad-hands
With hidden agendas.
Fuck these dysfunctional,
Insecure actresses.

Learn to swim.

Cuz I'm praying for rain
And I'm praying for tidal waves
I wanna see the ground give way.
I wanna watch it all go down.
Mom please flush it all away.
I wanna watch it go right in and down.
I wanna watch it go right in.
Watch you flush it all away.

Time to bring it down again.
Don't just call me pessimist.
Try and read between the lines.

I can't imagine why you wouldn't
Welcome any change, my friend.

I wanna see it all come down.
suck it down.
flush it down.

46 & 2

46 & 2 starts with this really cool bass and continues it through the whole song. Man, what a great rocking song this is.

46 & 2 is basically referring to how humans have 46 chromosomes. He talks about 46 & 2 just ahead of me, which is referring to us evolving and gaining a pair of chromosomes. The song is about understanding where we evolved from to make us who we are and then a desire to move forward, because who we are is not that great. There's a great desperation to his voice in this song.

My shadow's

Shedding skin and
I've been picking
Scabs again.
I'm down
Digging through
My old muscles
Looking for a clue.

I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own confused
And insecure delusions
For a piece to cross me over
Or a word to guide me in.
I wanna feel the changes coming down.
I wanna know what I've been hiding in

My shadow.
Change is coming through my shadow.
My shadow's shedding skin
I've been picking
My scabs again.

I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own chaotic
And insecure delusions.

I wanna feel the change consume me,
Feel the outside turning in.
I wanna feel the metamorphosis and
Cleansing I've endured within

My shadow
Change is coming.
Now is my time.
Listen to my muscle memory.
Contemplate what I've been clinging to.
Forty-six and two ahead of me.

I choose to live and to
Grow, take and give and to
Move, learn and love and to
Cry, kill and die and to
Be paranoid and to
Lie, hate and fear and to
Do what it takes to move through.

I choose to live and to
Lie, kill and give and to
Die, learn and love and to
Do what it takes to step through.

See my shadow changing,
Stretching up and over me.
Soften this old armor.
Hoping I can clear the way
By stepping through my shadow,
Coming out the other side.
Step into the shadow.
Forty six and two are just ahead of me.

H.

H. is the first Tool song on the wedding album. I’ve heard that H. stands for the Half empty or Half full saying, and I think that fits pretty well.

The song is on the wedding album so I think of Christina when I hear it. We met when I contacted her via AOL Instant Messenger in college. I did a search of girls at NC State and she was one of two to pop up. We talked via IM probably every day for about 3 or 4 months. I really liked her and we eventually decided to meet. Of course she is beautiful and I was glad we had developed something online or I would never have thought I would have a chance with her. We did a couple of NC State Scholars events together, but didn’t really go on a date for about a year. We were both really inexperienced with this kind of thing.

Anyway, somewhere along the way I asked her on a real date. And she said no. I had never asked girls out in HS. I had some rationalization at the time on why I didn’t do it, but I know it was a combination of fear and really high standards. I didn’t want to give power to a girl. It was better for me just to wait for them to fall all over me or assume they would fall in love with me if I were to ask them out. I’m getting kind of off the point and that is a complex topic. But basically she said no, and it crushed me.

We still talked online and generally liked each other. And I would bring up more courage again and ask her out again. And she would say no. But then she said yes one time. We would go out and things would go well. Then I’d ask her out again and she would say no. I’d ask two more times and get no. And then give up on her as someone to date. Then she would out of the blue call me up and ask me to go do something with her. I guess it wasn’t that confusing since during this time we would still talk online a lot and were friends. But after we would do something together, I would get my hopes up and ask her out and she would say no.

While this stage of our relationship is going on, I’m getting to know her better and better. I really liked her. I would never have continued talking to someone after this much rejection if I didn’t like her. Christina is basically all the good parts of me and none of the bad.

Hopefully that sets up the first stanzas of H. and how it relates to the beginning of our relationship.

What's coming through is alive.
What's holding up is a mirror.
But what's singing songs is a snake
Looking to turn this piss to wine.

They're both totally void of hate,
But killing me just the same.

The snake behind me hisses
What my damage could have been.
My blood before me begs me
Open up my heart again.

And I feel this coming over like a storm again.
Considerately.

The summer after my Freshman year in college I went out with Brandi. Brandi was a cool girl to hang out with, but we didn’t connect completely. I guess the main thing I took from that relationship was more confidence with girls. The whole time I was going out with her, I was still thinking about Christina. It pissed me off. At that point, I’m thinking that I’m permanently damaged by Christina. Any girl that I would date from there on would be compared to her and I never really dated Christina. I broke up with Brandi at the end of the summer to try to date Christina when I got back to school.

Venomous voice, tempts me,
Drains me, bleeds me,
Leaves me cracked and empty.
Drags me down like some sweet gravity.

The snake behind me hisses
What my damage could have been.
My blood before me begs me
Open up my heart again.

And I feel this coming over like a storm again.

I am too connected to you to
Slip away, to fade away.
Days away I still feel you
Touching me, changing me,
And considerately killing me.

I got back to school and pursued her, but it was much of the same. Eventually we got together and were both drinking. This led to a night of making out. It wasn’t some crazy explosion of love and emotion. Everything just felt right and peaceful. She was the girl for me.

Without the skin,
Beneath the storm,
Under these tears
The walls came down.

And the snake is drowned and
As I look in his eyes,
My fear begins to fade
Recalling all of those times.

I could have cried then.
I should have cried then.

And as the walls come down and
As I look in your eyes
My fear begins to fade
Recalling all of the times
I have died
and will die.
It's all right.
I don't mind.

So I asked her out again and she turned me down again. This one hurt worse than the first time. And basically from here the same pattern of us hanging out and me getting turned down continued with some mixed in making out sessions. During this time, I never asked her why she kept saying no. I was probably scared to and now that I know the answer I’m glad I didn’t. Anyway by the end of our Sophomore year I had again given up hope of ever having a real relationship with her and convinced myself that she would only be a friend. She transferred to Cornell which helped end the torture. Of course it didn’t end there…

I am too connected to you to
Slip away, to fade away.
Days away I still feel you
Touching me, changing me,

And considerately killing me.

Eulogy

Eulogy is my favorite Tool song. And sadly, I have never seen it played live. Every now and then the band will be in the middle of a song and switch to a little 5 second cut of Eulogy, which always gets a big roar from the crowd. I have a lot of hope for Vegas, since there are two shows in a row. This song really showcases the band and all of its elements to the highest degree.

The song is basically about the futility of martyrdom. I don’t think there is much need for analysis because this song is straightforward.

He had alot to say.
He had alot of nothing to say.
We'll miss him.

So long.
We wish you well.
You told us how you weren't afraid to die.
Well then, so long.
Don't cry.
Or feel too down.
Not all martyrs see divinity.
But at least you tried.

Standing above the crowd,
He had a voice that was strong and loud.
We'll miss him.
Ranting and pointing his finger
At everything but his heart.
We'll miss him.

No way to recall
What it was that you had said to me,
Like I care at all.

So loud.
You sure could yell.
You took a stand on every little thing
And so loud.

Standing above the crowd,
He had a voice so strong and loud and I
Swallowed his facade cuz I'm so
Eager to identify with
Someone above the ground,
Someone who seemed to feel the same,
Someone prepared to lead the way, with
Someone who would die for me.

Will you? Will you now?
Would you die for me?
Don't you fuckin lie.

Don't you step out of line.
Don't you fuckin lie.

You've claimed all this time that you would die for me.
Why then are you so surprised to hear your own eulogy?

You had alot to say.
You had alot of nothing to say.

Come down.
Get off your fuckin cross.
We need the fuckin space to nail the next fool martyr.

To ascend you must die.
You must be crucified
For your sins and your lies.
Goodbye...

Stinkfist

Now we move on to Tool’s second full length album: Aenima. And the first song: Stinkfist. The opening riff of this song and this album is just awesome. Maynard usually gets into a kind of backward to forward swaying high leg stomp that looks really cool. It just sounds so powerful. I think they have played it at every show I’ve been to.

“Stinkfist” appears to be simply about what the title suggests. You can go through the whole song and see it as a guy sticking his hand up someone’s ass. That doesn’t particularly interest me much, so I prefer to think Maynard is using it as a metaphor. He has this cool change in his tone from calm disinterest to this intense needy anger. He brings across so much emotion with his tone and change in tone throughout his music and especially on this album.

This song also has one of my favorite lines: “I just need it. To breathe, to feel, to know I’m alive.” I have a great appreciation for really strong emotional responses from myself. Whether it is something really horrible or really good, I think I can step back and appreciate the fact that it is happening. I don’t really know how to describe it. It happens less and less often now, but it is something a Tool show has always been able to bring out of me. Drugs are good too. Most of the time things are boring and I feel little. And maybe it would take a hand going up my ass to make me feel something.

Something has to change.
Un-deniable dilemma.
Boredom's not a burden
Anyone should bear.

Constant over stimulation numbs me
but I would not want you any other way

It's not enough.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I don't want it.
I just need it.
To breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive.

Finger deep within the borderline.
Show me that you love me and that we belong together.
Relax, turn around and take my hand.

I can help you change
Tired moments into pleasure.
Say the word and we'll be
Well upon our way.

Blend and balance
Pain and comfort
Deep within you
Till you will not want me any other way.

It's not enough.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I don't want it.
I just need it.
To feel, to breathe, to know I'm alive.

Knuckle deep inside the borderline.
This may hurt a little but it's something you'll get used to.
Relax. Slip away.

Something kinda sad about
the way that things have come to be.
Desensitized to everything.
What became of subtlety?

How can this mean anything to me
If I really don't feel anything at all?

I'll keep digging till
I feel something.

Elbow deep inside the borderline.
Show me that you love me and that we belong together.
Shoulder deep within the borderline.
Relax. Turn around and take my hand.

Flood

Let’s skip ahead in the Undertow CD to “Flood.” This song probably has my favorite lyrics on the disk. There is a long intro before they really get into the song. I’m not too fond of the intro and usually fast forward to the main song. I’ve never heard this song played live and don’t often hear Tool fans talk about it. I think it may be the intro that killed it, because the actual song is really good.

Flood is about being broken down. It is about the process of having everything you believe in taken from you. Maynard uses the metaphor of a flood coming in and washing everything away.

For me, I made two big transitions in my personal philosophy and neither was particularly easy. The first was a move from theism to atheism. The problem with this transition is that it takes you from having the answers to not having the answers. So then you have to work to find answers. If you don’t appreciate the search, then you would probably not become an atheist.

Anyway, the first stanza describes the loss. I like the use of the word “comfort” with religion. It is a comfort to have that belief, but it just wasn’t working anymore. The second stanza is also really good. So now the flood has come through and screwed things up. Now I have to take whatever pieces of who I was with Theism with me. Everything becomes questioned, but there are certain things that make me who I am. Anyway, I you take what you can and move on. I really like the final line, “This ground is not the rock I thought it to be.”

All I knew and all I believed
are crumbling images
that no longer comfort me.
I scramble to reach higher ground,
some order and sanity,
or something to comfort me.

So I take what is mine, and hold what is mine,
suffocate what is mine, and bury what's mine.
Soon the water will come
and claim what is mine.
I must leave it behind,
and climb to a new place now.

This ground is not the rock I thought it to be.

Then came Ayn Rand and Objectivism. Ayn did not make me an atheist, but she did give me all the comfort in ideals and beliefs that I got from theism. I was back on top of the world and soaring with confidence with Objectivism. I probably never fully understood what it was, but the heroes of her books were great characters to aspire to. I think Atlas Shrugged’s Henry Rearden inspired me to become a Materials Scientist/Engineer.

Kyle broke me of the Objectivism. I don’t remember exactly how he did it, but it was an important transition in my life. I’m glad he did it. I was more intense and more of an asshole in those days, which probably made the loss of Objectivism tougher.

The last couple of stanzas in the song describe this new found Objectivism and subsequent loss. The final line has a nice acceptance or request for the process. The whole song sums up my path from age 13 to 21 quite well. Things have stabilized since then.

Thought I was high, and free.
I thought I was there
divine destiny.

I was wrong.
This changes everything.

The water is rising up on me.
Thought the sun would come deliver me,
but the truth has come to punish me instead.

The ground is breaking down right under me.
Cleanse and purge me
in the water.

Sober

I think Sober was the first Tool song that got a significant amount of radio play. I've read many theories as to what this song is actually about, but this blog is about me and why I'm awesome. So let's start with continuing the theme of me enjoying breaking people down. Ugh... what an egomaniac I am.

One theme: So somewhere along the way, I realized or maybe just got to the point where I didn't have any beliefs of my own. I guess beliefs here would be hardcore axioms to build truth from. So I was pretty much lost. I had this ability to break other people down and I was kind of invincible because there was nothing to break down. I was sort of already broken down. Not only that, but that if I broke someone else down then I had nothing to offer them at the end except to be broken like me. This was a beginning of me stopping myself from attacking people.

Second theme: Now I grew up Christian and I can remember a time when it worked for me. I guess before I questioned anything. It was a simple happy way to be. Then I questioned and went down this long path and ended up with nothing really. Once I had gone down this path, there was no going back. I couldn't and can't fake Christianity or theism. But I remember my old self, who with respect to peace of mind was perhaps happier than me now. And then if I had always been my current self with nothing and not been that other guy with something, would I be happier now with nothing? This is frustrating.

Right from the start

There's a shadow just behind me,
shrouding every breath I take,
making every promise empty,
pointing every finger at me.
Waiting like a stalking butler
who upon the finger rests.
Murder now the path called "must we"
just before the son has come.
Jesus, won't you fucking whistle
something but the past and done?

My formal self would be the shadow just behind me. The verse ends with an angry and frustrated plea to Jesus to show up and fix things, because that would be one way back to my former self.

Why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start this over.
Why can't we drink forever.
I just want to start things over.

I've gone so many ways with the line, "Why can't we not be sober?" and I still don't think I've ever fully comprehended. So I sing it loud and desperately with Maynard. The wanting to start things over goes back to wanting to be my former self and maybe never go down the path that I've gone. And maybe stay drunk on the lie?

I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you
just enough to bring you down.

Trust me.

So here is the warning to a would-be victim. The first lines about being a worthless liar and imbecile I leave out for myself. These lines and really the whole verse are Maynard playing the part of a religious leader. I know this because when they played in Raleigh, he dressed up like a southern Evangelist preacher for this song. Anyway, ignoring those two lines and then thinking about myself saying this to someone or mostly thinking of saying it to someone is ridiculous and makes me hate myself. So I guess now I think of it as Maynard playing the part of a minister. It is not as emotional, but still works.

The song kind of repeats itself lyrically from here, but has a few subtle changes. Jesus changes to Mother Mary to come save us. Maynard grew up Catholic where it seems Mother Mary was a bigger figure in the church than for us Methodists. He also asks why we can't sleep forever instead of drink forever. Another nice switch. More of a give up than drinking forever.

The music of this song also stands on its own as a Tool song. I think it is the simplest song musically that they have. But I get goosebumps every time I hear those first few notes. I'm so glad these guys found each other. I can't imagine anyone else singing over this beautiful music.

Prison Sex

OK, so I guess the name of the song should have given it away for me. But when I first started listening to Tool, I didn't know any of the song names. And I also couldn't make out the majority of the lyrics. This song in particular was shocking to me later when I actually read all the lyrics.

Basically what I got out of it early on and what I still really like about the song is a couple of lyrics. Right at the start Maynard says, "I'm breathing so I guess I'm still alive, even if signs seem to tell me otherwise." That is a really depressing line. It makes more sense with respect to what this song is actually about, but less for things in my life like losing to Irmo again or failing a Thermo exam. But basically when some horrible thing happens to me even today, I think of this line and find myself saying it my head. Maynard delivers it really well too. It is this serious yet sarcastic way of singing it. It is just something I would say.

The other line I really like in this song is, "Do unto others what has been done to me" and then later in the song, "Do unto me what has been done to you" I used to find it extremely gratifying to destroy other people. This would typically be in a spiritual sense. To breakdown someone's beliefs and probably humiliate them in the process. It is a pretty horrible thing to do and I would typically pick on people that were easy targets. But one thing I appreciated more than or at least equivalently to tearing someone down was being torn down. I don't do this anymore. I'm not that person anymore. In large part because I've relaxed and don't take things that seriously anymore. Anyway, these lines capture this part of myself pretty well. And sodomy is a pretty decent metaphor for doing this.

I've read some things on the internet saying that Maynard was raped by his stepfather as a kid and this song is kind of therapy for him. I have heard that kids that are molested or beaten severely many times end up doing it themselves to their own children. In this song, Maynard switches to the voice of both parties. And then in the end refers to the circle of it. It is well crafted and again you can hear it in his voice. The desperation, anger, frustration and then an eventual pity and acceptance to the human condition. Yeah, good song.

Prison Sex

It took so long to remember just what happened.
I was so young and vestal then,
you know it hurt me,
but I'm breathing so I guess I'm still alive
even if signs seem to tell me otherwise.
I've got my hands bound,
my head down, my eyes closed,
and my throat wide open.

Do unto others what has been done to me

Do unto others what has been done to you

I'm treading water,
I need to sleep a while.
My lamb and martyr, you look so precious.
Won't you come a bit closer,
close enough so I can smell you.
I need you to feel this,
I can't stand to burn too long.
Released in sodomy.
For one sweet moment I am whole.

Do unto me now, what has been done to you

Do unto me now, what has been done

You're breathing so I guess you're still alive
even if signs seem to tell me otherwise.
Won't you, won’t you come a bit closer,
close enough so I can smell you.
I need you to feel this.
I need this to make me whole.
released in sodomy.
For I am your witness that
blood and flesh can be trusted.
And only this one holy medium brings me piece of mind.

Got your hands bound, your head down,
your eyes closed.
You look so precious now.

I have found some kind of temporary sanity in this
shit blood and cum on my hands.

I've come round full circle.
My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon.
You look so precious.

Opiate

Opiate is the final song on Tool's first EP, which has the title Opiate as well. Opiate is by far the best song on the disc. The other songs are good rocking songs, but pale in comparison to this song. The name comes from the quote by Karl Marx where he said something to the effect of "religion is the opiate of the masses." The perfect song for me when I was 17, newly atheist, and generally angry at the stupidity of the world.

Opiate

Choices always were a problem for you.
What you need is someone strong to guide you.
Deaf and blind and dumb and born to follow,
what you need is someone strong to guide you...
like me,
like me.

If you want to get your soul to heaven,
trust in me
now don't you judge or question.
You are broken now,
but faith can heal you.
Just do everything I tell you to do.
Deaf and blind and dumb and born to follow.
Let me lay my holy hand upon you.

My God's will
becomes me.
When he speaks
he speaks through me.
He has needs
like I do.
We both want
to rape you.

Jesus Christ, why don't you come save my life now.
Open my eyes and blind me with your light now

If you want to get your soul to heaven,
trust in me
now don't you judge or question.
You are broken now,
but faith can heal you.
Just do everything I tell you to do.
Deaf and blind and dumb and born to follow.
Let me lay my holy hand upon you.

My God's will
becomes me.
When he speaks
he speaks through me.
He has needs
like I do.
We both want
to rape you.

Tool Concerts

My family thinks I'm cheap. I've never heard this said about me by anyone else. I'm not completely sure where it originated. I definitely have a hard time spending money and typically get worried I'm getting cheated. Then after I spend the money on something, I look at whatever the item is in terms of how much I paid for it and I am constantly evaluating whether or not I am getting my money's worth. This many times leads to me not relaxing and appreciating whatever the item is. This is especially true when it comes to travel.

Tool is playing two shows in Vegas at the end of this month. Christina talked me into purchasing tickets to both shows via online auction. These tickets were $250 per ticket for a total of $1,000 for two shows. Plus we have to fly down there and get hotel rooms. Altogether the weekend is looking to be about $2,000. Then I have no time to take off of work, so we will only to be able to stay in Vegas for two nights. These shows were originally supposed to take place two weeks ago, but the drummer tore his bicep postponing the trip to the end of this month. That ended up costing us a little more money in airline and hotel cancellations, but the worst is that it puts the show right in the middle of Christina's exams. So the time not spent at the shows will be spent studying.



A couple of other motivating factors:
-Tool will be playing at a small brand new venue at the Palms. This theater is supposed to be amazing. Tool was originally booked to be the opening act, but after the drummer's injury, Gwen Stefani will be opening it. The place only holds 2,200 people. I got to see Tool at a venue this size once before in Atlanta. That was amazing.
-The guys in Tool are in their upper thirties and lower forties. This could be the last time we ever get to see them.

Beyond that Tool is the greatest band ever. I have been listening to them since 1996 when Ross Latimer let me borrow a CD on the way to a soccer game. I remember originally thinking it wasn't that good. I'm not sure what made me continue listening or when I became so obsessed, but by the time I started college in 1997, they had taken over the top spot as my favorite band from Nirvana and have stayed there since. I can't imagine anything taking their place.

This is in large part because of how emotional and life changing my life was from my Junior year in HS through college and then the first year of my relationship with Christina. It may be forced by me, but it seems that tool has grown with me. I wouldn't say they helped me through the time, because I don't really think my life would be that different without them and that sounds kind of stupid. Actually I'm not really sure how to sum it up.

Anyway, the emotions many of the songs used to bring out of me no longer have the effect. Mainly because I don't feel the emotions anymore. This kind of takes away from the experience of seeing them a bit. But even without this component, they are still incredible to watch and hear in person.

Since this band has been such a big part of my life (sidenote: I was just thinking about it, and I bet over the last ten years, I have listened to at least one tool song 60% of those days), I decided to try to disect as many of these songs as I can on this blog before going to the show. This should be a vulnerable thing to do, but it seems like a good way to get ready for the shows. And it will help me forget about how much money I am spending to see them, so I'll relax and enjoy it.